I was feeling so big and so sore when I woke up. Dismayed that labor had yet to commence at 41 weeks. This had been a really tough pregnancy from a physical standpoint and I was DONE. I was feeling worried that I only had one week left before I had to make a decision between two polar opposites, getting induced and having a hospital birth or getting up the courage to have an unassisted free birth at home at 42+ weeks pregnant. Neither one of those choices seemed particularly appealing. I had tried all but castor oil and an acupressure massage to naturally get labor started. My mom had been so thoughtful and found an amazing body worker to come to my house and apply the points of pressure as well as relax my body to hopefully get the body primed for labor.
I had a prenatal/acupressure massage at 2pm and tried not to get my hopes up.
Day continued as normal and went to bed around 10pm feeling totally normal.
I awoke at 11:30 to dull achey period like cramps and I went pee to find my mucus plug beginning to shed. I was SO HAPPY and EXCITED!
9.17.23
Went back to bed and started timing my surges. They were manageable and about 4 minutes apart lasting a little less than a minute each.
I texted my midwife and my chiropractor doula at 1am to let them know my symptoms and timing.
I got dressed in my depends undies and my labor bra, grabbed my eye shade and got comfy on the couch and went deeply inward listening to my hypnobirthing tracks.
3:40am I got into a seated position and I felt my water break - about a cup of water.
5am Niko wakes up to find me in the midst of my labor flow. I wanted him to sleep as much as possible as it could be a long day. Contractions are 1 - 1:30 minutes every 3ish minutes consistently since 2:30am
6:30am things are getting more intense but I’m deep in my meditation and so focused on relaxation that I am not phased. I imagined myself as a black cat up in the rafters of a cozy straw filled barn just surrendering to the natural act of labor.
7am our son wakes up very inquisitive about what mommy is doing… seeing him took me out of my meditative state into “doing” mom mode and instantly the sensations of each contraction became less tolerable. I verbalized that I needed him to be occupied so I could stay focused.
Niko set him up with a movie and some breakfast and I was back in the zone.
7:30am Our chiropractor doula arrived with all her skills ready to give my nervous system some love. She gave me a cranial massage with beautiful oils and adjusted my neck. Niko and her tag teamed supporting me when needed and playing dinosaurs with our son. It was so beautiful to have the two of them who worked well together to support me as I got deeper into labor.
I got in the shower and stayed upright to increase the gravity on my cervix and help baby descend.
<<With each phase of labor I made a point to thank my body for the work it was doing. Each break from the work I would also thank it for the break. I remarked on how marvelous the entire process is. The strong powerful muscles that held my growing baby safe and pristine inside me for 10 months are now able to open up in just a few hours to reveal its majesty to me?
I also thought about how badass is it that us women get to be so powerful that the system tries to make sure you don’t get to know how much of a hero you really are giving birth. They want to manage and medicate you to keep you from the power. Motherfuckers of the patriarchy, I tell you!
Also, men are not women. You can chop off your dick and whatever else but you will never know what it is to be a woman in the same way I will never know what it is to be an hawk soaring in the sky.
Other thoughts I had, the level I was able to surrender and give my body and mind over to the perfect process, trusting each contraction was a gift from my body to my soon to be born son no matter how long or strong was. This whole concept was much much easier and deeply comprehensible the second time around. The first labor I was not fully giving in. My mind was trying to keep some modicum of control.
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8:15am I get out of the shower and start moving a bit more to keep ramping up the pressure and energy in my body. It’s working, my body is opening and I can see in my minds eye, my son is moving through me. I talk to him often throughout this process.
I had a few emotional releases. Crying felt so good. I felt alive with the glory of love!!
I keep the hypnobirthing tracks going. And continue to let labor happen to me.
I listened to the tracks for about 10 hours on repeat. They kept me so grounded and trusting in the process. This tool cannot be overstated. I listened to music too, but it was not even close to being as helpful for me.
10:45am I can tell that transition is near. The waves are doubled up in intensity and length, I know I will meet my son soon. My midwife is still not here for some reason… I yell “she’s gonna miss it” and my doula reassures me that it’s all going to be ok and it really doesn’t matter just stay relaxed. It is what it is! Out of my control.
I’m out of my deck walking back and forth looking at the garden keeping myself in the game. I know I’m so close to meeting my boy.
I take the most intense portion of the contraction in a low squat to help my son move down.
As I’m squatting holding on to the rebozo I feel my waters flood my robe and spill all over the deck. Thank god I was outside, it was so much fluid omg.
Once the water was gone there was no more cushion and it was full on baby in my birth canal. I take off all my clothes with the help of Niko and Kristyn and I ask to go to the tub the baby is coming now.
11:15 I get in the tub but there’s no time to fill it, the shower is hot and feels amazing on my back as I am on all fours and using all my control to slow the crowning process down. I don’t want to tear.
I change positions inbetween contractions so I can feel my sons head before he comes out. I don’t feel a head. I feel flesh. I start to get worried, what am I feeling? I verbalize my stress over what it is I’m feeling and my doula and my husband look at me and tell me, this is a different birth, this is a different baby. It’s exactly as it should be, trust your body and let him come!
As if I had a choice lol.
11:31am Next contraction his head is born. I never once pushed. My strong body did it all for me. I look down and all I see are swollen purple lips and a nose. Occiput Anterior and a face presentation. Omg. I check for a cord around his neck and it’s there. In the next contraction his body is born and we unwrap the cord. I bring him to my chest, and I suck the fluid from him with my mouth and he lets out a mighty cry and I hold him feeling so ecstatic and relieved he is here.
I unintentionally had an unattended free birth at home in my tub with no one else but my husband, a dear friend and my two year old. He was 10.2 pounds, came face first (1 out of 600 chance) and I did not push once. I did not tear. I was not in pain. Labor was 12 hours of deep soul work. In those 12 hours there was pressure but it was void of pain. Once my son was born, he started crying right away and nursed within the first 10 minutes of life and has not stopped since.
My recovery has been so smooth and joyous. Taking each day as it is, not trying to control my baby’s sleep or food or schedule.
Final thoughts: the birth of Van Atlas was a freeing, empowering and all around badass birth. It was both redemptive and so healing from my first birth - which was 3 days worth of pain, fear, drama and trauma. It took me a long time to work through. This home birth was the final piece that has made me feel whole.
My lesson from this birth is trust.
“firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.”
My midwife shows up about 5 minutes after I give birth, just in time to check vitals on us both and make sure we are healthy. We are. Nature is amazing.🥲
thoughts that keep replaying in my mind: I just gave birth at home to a 10.2 lb baby that was in a suboptimal position, without pushing once, in less than 12 hours and I didn’t tear! Im an animal, in every way, baby!!!!
The things that I did differently this birth:
- stay home.
- Tell no one accept your team you’re in labor.
- Limit the people in your space to the absolutely vital players. Be alone as much as possible. Close your eyes.
- Listen to hypnobirthing tracks
- Let go and trust that the story is already written.
***If you would like to watch the beautiful birth video, Tori has graciously offered the link here: Tori's Birth Video
